This is me… Love me or Leave me

So another sleepless night reading interesting articles and one got me scrolling through my personal Facebook pics thinking about things. As I thought, I recalled an email I received a while back from a young woman with a history of abuse who was struggling with her sexuality. Wondering whether her abuse was a contributing factor to her being gay or was she born that way? I’m afraid I didn’t have a worthy response at the time.    Not that people come out and ask me directly, but often I’ve been questioned about my personal life. In particular my ability to have intimate relationships with people. Jon Faine asked me directly (and over stepped I feel) but I answered the only way I know how… Honestly. Have I been able to recover from what happened to me? Largely I think so. Has there been any irreparable damage as a direct result of my past abuse? Absolutely. What I said on the Jon Faine interview was I am unable to trust men. Given my past, most would find this totally understandable. Some men take offence and say not all men abuse. Women abuse as well… Blah blah yawn. I don’t understand why men get their back up because I don’t trust them. It isn’t personal. It is a direct result of my experience. And are we not all impacted by past experience that largely shape who we become and how we see the world? Sure, we can heal and grow and overcome many things, but I’m rather happy with how I’ve turned out. Do I need to work on things? Of course! Who doesn’t? Yes, women do abuse as well but this has not been my experience. Women, for the most part have played a pivotal role in my healing. Stepping in and loving me through the hurt. Seeing in me potential and taking the time to nurture that with me and stand back and watch it grow. My answer to Jon Faine was as follows; I am a great friend but I make a lousy partner. Does that mean I identify as gay? I’m not sure. The same story applies there. In the past, intimacy has made me run a mile. I have many beautiful friendships with women and a couple great guys and I seem very content with just that. Friendship! Im not looking for a life partner. Will I ever? Perhaps. And given my past, would I be able to overcome my fears, trauma and limitations to go beyond and have a beautiful relationship one day? Possibly. The one thing I know I am very good at, is loving people. I do it with my whole heart. Always have.       Many of my close friends tease me about how I dress. They think I wear the baggy guy clothes so not to attract male attention. They don’t think I’m gay, but more damaged by what happened to me as a child. That women are safe. And then I read that article last night in Elle on Ruby Rose on gender fluidity and non-binary. And then I started thinking about my natural style. What I am most comfortable wearing and how strongly opposed I am to the frock. I’ve never been one for labels given so many have been placed upon me growing up. I am who I am. Am I a product of what happened to me as a child? Probably. But I attribute all my positives to that as well. Gotta take the good with the bad, right? I’ve not posted anything like this before because I’ve not fully identified as anything. I don’t give it a lot of thought to be honest. But when Ruby was talking about gender fluidity and I had a look at how I often dress non gender specific, it sort of fit for me. It’s not a sexuality thing. But is it a gender thing? I dunno. I am female, I know this. But do I identify as such? Like really embrace my femininity? No, I can’t say that I do. Growing up, I hated being a girl. It meant I was hurt. My whole Refugee claims case was built around being persecuted as a member of a particular group – female. So maybe it is more that for me. It’s complex. Like we all are. I have been judged my whole life. I guess the positive in that is it has made me tolerant and accepting of others. There is no one way to be. I think it is dangerous and narrow minded to think otherwise.     We are who we are for whatever reason. Maybe we are born that way, maybe experience plays a hand. But at the end of the day, does it really matter? Gay. Straight. Bi. Trans. Gender fluidity. Non-binary. Who gives a flying cuff? So to the young woman who sent me that brave and beautiful email with a totally different take away message from my book… I’m so happy my story gave you the courage to come out and be yourself! Be proud of who you are! You made me think about a lot of things. And like I said, there’s no shame in who you are. I’m not sure why I am so reluctant to publish this, but like everything else I’ve done so far, if I can help one person out there who feels all alone, it has been worth doing. I am so blessed and so humbled my story is resonating with so many in totally different ways. Many ways I never imagined possible. Ok. That is all. As you were soldiers 😊